Dear Family:

I am filing an official document, recusing myself of ever having to deal with the question that starts, "Where are my...?" I know that you think I spend the day dancing around the house like a little elf, seeking out and hiding your personal items. But I promise, I don't.

I am also filing a subpoena for information regarding where my personal items are disappearing to. You will be legally required to answer my questions, as to the location of mommies things. And don't tell me it was the little elves...the only little elves I've swept out from behind the couch are cute little blond boys.

Love Mommy